Am sress in black today.. feeling black? my comfy back racerback and the esprit pants...how come I feel like its over size? all my pants are liek that... I am not on diet...
Meet Sam at Plza Sing's TCC for a cuppa @ 4pm... was browsing the
menu, keep thinking it's coffee club, was looking for rambutan freeze... then decided on mango tea freeze... she ordered a iced café latte. Rena called awhile later to ask about Antonio's interview session...and blah blah blah..
After the coffee session, decided to catch a movie, nothing particular that we had in mind, so we went up to the GV ticket booth to see, what show is showing that time... went into PS... bought bathing glove from Bodyshop....
Ocean 13..was a 6pm show allocated the last row...that popular or nobody watch??
we have 1 hour before the show start, shop around PS and thinking of what to eat for dinner after the show... Snacking on pop corn, only eat the yellow ones, tastier huh?
Dinner is lemon grass at Siglap... mabbe had only 2 hours sleep, so dun have appetite ... was quite a spread for just 2 of us... tom yam prawn, chicken green curry, mango fish, seafood tang-hoon.
Mum called... my sis is still locking herself in the room, refused to talk or help. was asked to talk to her... went home , went to her room and talked to sis but she only ask me to not disturb her dvd session and shut up... I hope I can help to mediate.. feel very stressed too... Dad and sis r both tough to handle...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Am sress in black today.. feeling black? my comfy back racerback and the esprit pants...how come I feel like its over size? all my pants are liek that... I am not on diet...
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Went for the appointment straight after work - my 1st time. Waited for awhile, Fen is on her way, so I went for the session... the first comment from the lady after registering my birth date/time etc... "you have the gift of the gap...talkative right?"....errrrm.. I didn't agree with her, told her that I'm introvert, straight forward, prefer to listen than talk... but she said that's because I haven't show my true potential yet... (Hmmm... I wonder). Jaw drop when she ask if I'd want to be a tv programme host. I meekly answered "no... never thought of it" (hope she's not offended).
Was questioned if I feel like a man sometimes? my answer is No again...
Eyes starred blank and wide when she said that my previous life is a man (?).. then, she continue to state example like, I'll often question about money and power, like to take care and protect family and friends... I ask if this is due to me being the elder sibling among my cousins and sibling? (from theories I learnt from child psych)...
And one dumb stuck question again from her... "ever when for abortion?" (no lei.. unless woman can get another woman pregnant) .... than she ask if I have someone I love currently. Don't know how to answer this simple question - I said "yes" and then "no"... then she make her question clearer "you just broke up with your boyfriend, do you have someone else that you love currently?" ... my answer is again a "No"... (corrected her...I said, it's girlfriend not boyfriend). she get me...
Other than the initial disagreement, the rest of it is quite true, and others are interesting to know... eg. Stubborn, like to prove things wrong, ambitious, have few close friends, karma that I initiated to break up - now I get it from the one I love.... (omg!)
- Don't eat beef
- Don't go for funeral on Friday
- baibai at home... hold the joss-stick more
- Be happier
- Don't stress
- Don't do things base on mood
- Understand yourself, get to know yourself
- it will be a bad year:
+ June: Be careful not to offend someone ( I wonder who...) at work
+ July: Don't anyhow fall in love, be careful.
+ Aug, Sept: Prone to health, accidents etc.
+ Oct onwards: more bad things to come....luck will go down, down, down... (no details)
I ask about relationship, she say it's a bad year... anything just wait till I turn 1 year older, lunar year...
My session end, it's Fen's turn, while I place my coin offerings... am clueless, the assistant gives me instructions and I just do as told... too engrossed with counting coins to be placed, forgot to make my wish... *oppps...*
Was a fresh experience... Fen ask if I'll follow as advised, I think I'll rather be prudent about it, than to be sorry. Will try to avoid or do as I could, hope I' get over with the series of unpleasant things on the way...
looking forward to my next lunar birthday...
only then things will get better...
Posted by A|T at 1:16 AM
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Sunday afternoon cycling with my cousins.... before that everybody seems to be performing some acrobat...just imagine 8 people in a car, we manage to do of coz.
Posted by A|T at 10:03 PM
Friday, June 1, 2007
Meet Fen at the PC show, she bought an ASUS lappy... almost $2k... on the way there, was in the bus, sitting opposite a loving elderly couple, the old uncle is so sweet, he cushioned his wife's neck with his arm when they nap over the bus journey, and they lock their fingers like young couple... has never had the pleasure of having this lovely act from my parents... some might find them an eye sore but it really melts my heart.
The PC show, as usual is packed with people, most of them bought printers, strolling along with the free trolley... Fen compared a few brands - Toshiba, ASUS and Fujitsu... and her final decision is ASUS...
Proceed to Marina Square for dinner (Han's).... I waste food again .... sighs... can I have smaller portion next time I place my order...
we realised that we'll end up at Marina Square every friday... haha... this time we're not gonna walk to Clark Quay with the lappy...too heavy...
after dinner, we just head to 1 Fullerton, Starbuck's for a drink, great soffy seats, with leg rest..
There she goes, testing the new lappy and surf with wireless-SG...
With my regular cup of Raspberry tea , and the 1st time Fuffy goes to town, what a luxury trip...
Posted by A|T at 11:05 PM
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Eve of a public holiday... I retire early, been a long day... but in the midst of a sweet dream, Dad came into the room, flung his mobile phone at me... "how come there is no vibration?..." erm... do you have some respect for your family at least knock the door right? Fix that for him, and a good deed really comes with some pleasant surprise.... a call on my phone... I'm delighted, although it's just a short and simple conversation....
Then Fen drop me a sms, ask if I want to join her for a night spin ... ok... since she's only few blocks away why not... old buddy... after fetching her bro from camp, we went to mac for supper...and continue with my zzzz...
It's vesak day, woke up early to make appointment for fortune telling session...the lady said that the next available date is Next Friday evening... ok, if not will be another week...better take the earlier then.... took bus with Fen to Bugis GuangYin Temple to pray ... over crowded...
then proceed to SimLim ... bought 2gb micro SD card and data cable...
Not only the temple is crowded, practically everywhere is ....
Bought a pair of sandals at Bugis Junction...only $13...hmmm.. good bargain. then Fen receive some phone calls, she need to get internet access her email... we walked to Pacific Coffee Company at Marina Sq, but the two men occupied the terminals for too long...she decided to go back to her office... took abus 133....long journey to AMK...*yawnz* after she alight at her workplace, I continue the bus journey to AMK Hub, oh my gosh! the crowd!! headed straight to the MRT station, forget about loitering around there, can't stand the crowd... Proceed to yishun and wait for her at the kopitiam, it's a wiser choice...at least I can have a drink and take a break from squeezing with people...
After she finish her stuffs, she came to the kopitiam and we had our dinner and walked home... wala* shower and hopped into moi bed (with my little darling - Fuffy) ...
Posted by A|T at 9:03 PM
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sis called in the afternoon, remind me it's dad's birthday... my reaction is just erm.... mono... I asked if she''' pass by Tampines later, maybe can fetch me from work.... it's a zzz day... time passes really slow...
Yesterday met up with Arlene, we had dinner and talk about being feeling empty... I understand totally .... coz' I've experienced that for quite sometime... she's eager to get a boyfriend... what about me? I am just missing her... haven't contacted for awhile.. hope she's happier, lovelier, clearer...better...
Let's get back to Dad's birthday.... sis and mum fetch me from work , drove home get Dad and went for dinner.... weird feeling , no appetite, but still gotta eat for the sake of eating....
that all for the day....
*Talking to my bear*
Posted by A|T at 7:29 PM
Monday, May 28, 2007
What would you do when your Mum called you in a mid of a meeting, tell you that your Dad had a car accident? my first reaction... shocked, talked to the boss and took e-leave... got out of the workplace and called Dad ask where is he now.... what did I get? full load of nasty words, hurtful curses and what's worse, tell me to go and die better...
Finally got my sis to answer the call, she's supposed to be at home resting her back injury... she deserve that,has been working 7 days a week with my dad, carrying the 20-kg boxes of sugarcane everyday.. Didn't want to disturb her but I really have no idea where their client's stalls are....
Took the train to the nearest station to meet up with sis, then drove to Bedok...
In long sleeves blouse and formal pants, heels ....in the 40 degree celcius weather.... Dad's lorry isn't that bad, but his temper is.... he loaded few boxes of the sugarcane into sis's car and ask me to follow him... my intention is to follow my sis to help her..(her back)...
along the way to deliver the rest of the goods left in his lorry , I'm shouted at, continued from the earlier phone call... I can't stand it... I regretted taking the e-leave ... I told him off... "Do you want everybody to quit our job to help you deliver sugarcane then you will be pleased? give all our earning to you so that you can buy more machine for your clients and sugarcane?" I really don't know what have I done wrong to deserve all this...
I cried.... he kept quiet for less than 1 min and he swing the lorry door hard....
I left my bag and belonging in sis's car.. I'm left with nothing except my mobile phone...I wanted to run away, take a cab.... NO MONEY!!!! shit! breathing hard..... angry..... is this my father?????
bear with it.... he collected some money from his clients... threwthe money to me ... "count it!"
I do as orderd... unbearable... I took just enough for me to go home, then he called his friend, tell his friend how bad luck is day has been, how helpless and unhelpful me and my sis has been.... caused him to get into the accident this morning....
DUMB stuck!!! I got off the lorry when we arrived at the next destination... took a cab home...
my manager called and ask how is my dad? so kind of her, but my voice is coarse.. crying ... she thought something bad happen to my dad... I told her my dad's fine... she's puzzled... didn't explain much... I'm tired... doing so much and not appreciated...
I want to get out of this !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
frustrated ... but what can I do...
dinner time is peaceful for a while until Dad comes come with a big bang! threw his waist poach at my mum... threw the record book on the floor shouting and blaming non-stop all over again.... I went into my room, he stilldon't spare me... knock at my door like loan shark! ask me if I really want him to die? why did I left just now? ****** I remain silent*** didn't know what silence will bring , but more or less expected it... he swing my door hard... the new door knob I just changed loosen again...
This will go on forever... I am sick and stressed!!!!
Posted by A|T at 9:01 PM
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
the weather is so freaky....3 cycles of hot sun and heavy rain.... back to those days when everyone thinks that the aircon is not working but I feel as if I'm in north pole... on the other hand, I feel a layer of heat on my skin... ok that's making me very sick... don't know I'm hot or cold...
cocooned in my blanket now... phlegm clocking my throat, tonsil is really sore...
need some pampering...
Posted by A|T at 6:11 PM
Monday, May 21, 2007
I missed her a lot yet won't let it out too much..
afraid that will make the situation awkward... and push her further away...
When she say 'hi' like a friend it feels bitter & sweet at the same time...
I feel like telling her that I still love her but everything just choked, imagine a mirror image of me telling me that she is still around as a friend don't freak her off....
is this brave or is this coward?
Distance really makes the heart fonder...
Posted by A|T at 10:31 PM
Couldn't get to sleep, no matter how I tried to tell myself that it's gonna be a long day... must rest... someone, somewhere can help ...... a soothing voice *zzz* good night!
Woke up before the alarm buzz... it's the dogs... barking for attention for don't know what reason. 5.30am? Took a shower to freshen up and had a cup of milo. Plenty of time to dress up, walked to the bus-stop, the walk seems longer than usual... especially when most of the time is spent avoiding my heels from getting caught between the drain covers...
waited a while before the bus arrived, a super long bus, still full load, butts on the 1st seat that caught my eye... long bus journey... most of them are already so used to it, they took a nap and wake up just in time to alight at the interchange *thumbs up*... novice passenger like me just stay awake and nervous.... by the time I reach the destination, I'm already feeling the zzz-monster come near... *oops*
Was shown around and introduced to the staffs during the morning briefing... given my access card.... brought to seat infront of the computer beside the manager to read up the employee's handbook.... stroll and click and read and ..... hey how come everything seems so blur?? that's the morning... more code of conduct and etc to read after lunch ... ermm...
Attached to a the enquiry counter staff... stood beside her for 6 hours doing nothing just need to observe... not allow to do anything as well... no space for another chair .... ouch! my toes feels squashed and moulded into the pointy shape of my shoes... calf muscles hardens... *ouch!*
While everybody do their closing duties, I'm still there waiting for time to pass... I can't feel any other part of my body except my feet...
Time to go home... walked to the interchange, saw a super duper long queue... gosh! it's the bus I'm gonna take... *sighz* yea, got on the bus and stand all the way till I reach Yishun ... *sob*
Posted by A|T at 7:35 PM
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Friday, May 18, 2007
Posted by A|T at 12:24 AM
Monday, May 14, 2007
Join my sis for a car wash at the carpark area, after dinner. what an experience, it took us about 3 hours to clean up the car thoroughly - vacuum, clean the seats, dashboard, wash and dry the exterior, wax, coating the windows, polish up the windows and mirrors... *phews* it's a lot of work, but after that it's such an achievement and satisfaction. *yeah*
Got myself a new door knob for my room door too... the old one is creating too much noise. Sis is the "handy man" at home, she changed it for me... wala* done!
Posted by A|T at 12:15 AM
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Night time is hard to bear, especially when I can almost feel a new life...so near , but I just shattered it by my own words.
Posted by A|T at 12:08 AM
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Posted by A|T at 11:50 PM
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
took the express bus home, was drizzling, the sun is still scotching hot... the weather is as confused as I am.... walked in the rain, hoping that it will pour heavier, missed walking in the rain.
Spent the entire day at home, lunching with Mum and surfing the tv channels.. sighs... it has been reset to the subscribed channels, not very much choices... bored....keeping the mobile phone by my side just in case...
Night falls and its terrible ... Dad came home storming into my room, hit my door like a monster... shout and screamed at me for not saving his phone contacts into the SIM card... how would I know he is selling that phone away? it seems like he only bought it 3 days ago. And he didn't point the finger at himself that he ought to check before selling the phone. AM I TO BLAME? I do what I was instructed to. Sis and Mum got it too for nothing ... can there be peace? even in my own room I can't escape all these crap.
Was reading this article forwarded from a friend about this person whom died of overworking and stress... (http://digital.asiaone.com.sg/news/20070
commotion is still going on in the living room.... will be a big mess to clear later
I wanted to call someone to talk about it and something just stopped me...just remembered that she is not obligated to these ding dong .... I need to breathe
DW called ask if wanna meet for supper... he drove his dad's lorry and meet me at the coffee shop... chat about many things about school days and people in general... talk about dreams and relationships... received a few SMSes ...and a pleasant call it's "hi..."
Posted by A|T at 11:48 PM
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Catch spiderman 3 with DW and his friend... adding on a new frenzy, nice gal to chat with ...bought a big bag of popcorn and we hardly finish half of it...the show is more than 2 hours long, lucky the seat is not too bad, otherwise would have a bad buttock ache!
Not that fantastic, probabbly its not the genre that I fancy... maybe I'm a weirdo who prefer emo-romantic movie... hmmmm...
proceed to NYDC for a drink and some bites... overlooking spinelle, the place that brings back some nice memories... is that the "connection" or what? just as memories flows in, my phone rang... it's her "hi..." , I can taste sweetness in the spicy pizza in my mouth...*smiles*, and 2 pairs of eyes dart at me and rolled their eye-balls away hopelessly... *pouts*.
Posted by A|T at 11:48 PM
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Posted by A|T at 11:36 PM
Saturday, April 28, 2007
In her car, she's driving aimless, keep asking where are we going? The air smells sweet and foul... when nature takes its course, ask no question. she'll always be in my heart, friend or partner, some things need no superficial labelling. Yes, only in time when she found a woman of her life, I will give them my blessing....
Am home, she walk me up... I walked her down...
For now, I'm looking forward my new job... sound like a very time demanding job but it's a source of income, only with that I will be able to move on with my desired life... 3 years? possible... maybe...
Some hope is lost , some appear just with a couple of days. Life is so unexpected.
thanks to my new enlightenment. *winks*
Posted by A|T at 11:35 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
weird drem I have the same dream that I had after breaking up with my previous ex...only thing is the characters in the dream is Baby and one of her friend... it seems so vivid that I can even feel the air and the conversation. The last time I had this dream, it came true coz now they are an item. I didn't know what to do when it haunt me again.... some people say that dreams will be the exact opposite of the reality, how I wish but I can only wait and see.
Thanks to many friends that drop by to say hi and encourage me. I will try my best to left my head up from the sandpit and be more cheerful.
Posted by A|T at 11:29 PM
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sometimes when she looks into the mirror, she'll ask "why do love me? I'm just fat and ugly" . I do not know how to put it across to her that these feelings are intangible, you can't see it with your eyes or measure with any instruments...
These are just a few of the reasons which makes me the happiest person alive:
- the light that shines when my heart sunk to rock bottom my shelter when storm threaten over head
- my sun that keeps me warm when I'm far from home
- the one I can count on to get to familiar place when I can't find my way
- cares for me in a loving way when Im hurt and need to heal
- pours me with loads of love when I needed
- always know just what to say when I feel like no one cares
- bring a smile to my face when I am sad and without my handphone
- scold under her breath of how lousy her elders are, but when they needed a hand, she offered unconditionally
- assures me whenever she meet up with her ex for lunch
- looks cute when she blush as I watch her drive...
- tasted my tiramisu although it taste like coarse coffee beans on chilled cream
You’re Beautiful…its True..
She shows me how wonderful life can be, but when she sees only fat and ugly body, I see a beauty in her eyes and a heart of gold. She says she's hot tempered and unreasonable, I think feel that is only human to have a temper, just that she is warmer than anyone else around....
When passion consumes my heart and soul, she decided things should end, too afraid to hurt me ... I’m so helpless, can’t do anything to salvage it at all… the least I can do is to let her do what she want…and be happy. To me love is a process, is a journey where a couple walk through challenges along the path. Her reason for ending this relationship makes me so puzzled.. Disqualified before it starts..
Posted by A|T at 11:26 PM
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
I'm back to north.... after an uneventful incident which I have no memory of. Was shocked by the reason supposed to be from her mum, our eyes didn't mean...she agree to it too coz' she says there is nothing she can do or say... Only regret that she is not a man, we're not married, she has no rights to do anything... she is right again.
The bottom line, I'm to conform to the eviction.
What I kept unsaid was the fact that I don't really like to stay home... it's a mess... since young my parents quarrel for anything under the sun. My father's storming voice reminds me of uncontrolled mental patient, followed by my Mum's weeps and complaints, threatens to divorce, die and leave this misery. Not the end of it, my Father will follow up with an action movie of his alcohol overdosed violence, his speciality is the hit the wall with bare hands and head, throwing and trashing things and staring at everybody with his fiery eyes.
As the elder sister I feel helpless, always crying in my room, taking a different approach, my sister grow stronger and tomboyish to counter that emotional nonsense from the adults.
No doubt that they work and slog to provide for the family, and is too tired and busy to keep the house clean... but putting the soiled clothings, cutlery etc at proper places is very much appreciated. Nobody seems to care, over the years, I tried to do my best to help mum in the chores, but it seems like both of us get tired of it... I want to get out of this mess.... can someone take me and flee?
I worry for my sister, my mum and my father.... will they get out of control in a fight an kill each other? mindless thoughts became a real one day when my father took out a chopper, after seeing my sister's teacher to discuss about her wrong doings in school... he charged at her while I tried to unlock the gate with my trembling hands....
but what can I do? nobody seems to know and is interested to know how I feel. silence is just to conserve my energy to deal with the next turmoil.
Was missing for 2 days, can't agree much then what they said about being possesed or voodoed, was brought to pray and done some religious chanting etc.
Unknowingly labelled "dirty", and evicted by her mum from her house. Am I just extra, stranger, evil-related...etc?
She can't do anything....to her mum and my parents we are "friends" - My heart dropped. When will we be couple and not "friends" anymore? take me and run!
Was nearly a "nobody" in her life, just few months ago when we had a talk. she was planning to go on a vacation with her friends at the same time.... I hope she'll not have lonely journey again....
When I was told about her holidays with her friends, an initial feeling for abandon strike me.... anyway it can't be help...will be fine soon.
Posted by A|T at 11:23 PM
Monday, March 19, 2007
Had a 2nd talk with Baby, can tell that she seems reluctant. I want it to work, given a time frame like this will I function? I believe love has got the power, without love, two people could not commit themselves to a relationship. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what ensures that a relationship grows and improves.
I believe that everything good in our relationship will get even better in time. But the truth is, not everything gets better. Many things improve in our lives once we find someone special to focus on, but some things become more difficult.
Like two weary soldiers taking cover in a bunker, every couple is bewildered by constant assaults to their love life. A relationship is continually bombarded by unpredictable instances that interfere with being the kind of lovers we want to be. many are torn apart by busy schedules, by words we wish we could take back, by not giving all that love demands.
Love asks for everything. And how hard it is to give everything! Indeed, it is impossible.No mere mortal can ever live by romantic love alone. In the long term, if we ignores these traits in themselves and coasts on love alone, eventually relationship will be in deep trouble when a crisis occurs that love cannot solve.
Sometimes crises become too numerous and too deep, resulting in a breakup-other times, it just means the couple involved needs to talk and work things out before they can move on - We grow to know each other and to make better decisions about the relationships.
For people who understands that not everything good gets better in time and who share a commitment to learning about each other's faults as well as perfections, love can mature and become something worth devoting their lives toward. The naivety of new love grows into a knowledgeable and confident love...
And I still believe...
p.s: I love you
Posted by A|T at 11:22 PM
Sunday, March 18, 2007
I really do not know what went wrong but she just wanted it to end here. i'm floating in the mist - can't think or move, simply out of control. If only I can stop my tears for now it's the only thing that I can wish for. To her she spell it very clearly that it's incompatible, and I am still trying to digest that ambiguous reason for the break. Its like "I love you but I don't" . I walked out of her house and I don't care where I am going but as I walk realized that I am detouring, circling the neighborhood aimlessly - the "what should I do? where should I go?" question didn't even occur. I am no different from a zombie on the street. Depressed to the core, I would have slashed myself with anything sharp or bottoms up some cough mixture and dope previously, I didn't. It's not raining but it feels like it is - feeling so drenched, my feet are dragging me, hardly can open my eyes, everything seems so blur.
Until she texted me - Instant automation.. I slowly walk back to her house as I read the message, bought apple pie and corn cup from Mac, maybe my shadow if shouting "for what?", I think its for her coz' I don't feel hungry or crave for it... can't think.
Where is my comfort zone, it's so clear. Not even my own house, my parents already converted my room to a storage-cum-laundry room. I was told to leave in a nicest manner ever, even offered to help when I move. My heart just feel numb. What makes things started- Its LOVE, what makes things end- Its again LOVE. Complicated or Irony?
NO to everything:
Do I have the choice? Can I disagree? Am I clear of the situation? Can I do something to help?
But I am definitely feeling STUPID.
Posted by A|T at 11:20 PM
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Just drop an email to Baby, some lovey-dovey stuff. And steal a glance at the clock, it's about time my tummy grumbles... called baby to catch some updates whether she's about to reach. She went to grab some things near here office, and is just about to leave that area... I just simply sigh and was receiving an immediate reply from someone at the passenger seat.... not a very pleasant thing to say no matter it's intentional or not - I don't appreciate that comment and I know my baby got to work, for god sake! Any problem with a call to catch up abit?
Posted by A|T at 11:19 PM
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Baby's obsessed with the xbox game... sigh. what's that about playing it everyday and hit on a higher position on the scoreboard arghz! Sometime just wonder did I regret introducing this game to her or not .. Anyway, I enjoy looking at her when she is concentrating with the game *hahaha* it's so funny when she muttered and talk non-stop as if she is the "fish" ..hmmm... mush be really BIG fish huh?
Posted by A|T at 11:15 PM