Monday, November 17, 2003

FEAR FACTOR

Was thinking that I really fail in every single aspect to be a gd gf...
she has been so nice and committ everything to be...as i said "given up her everything and giving out all she can.." i just simply sit back and hallucinated about womyn ard her that came back to her.... Wanted to be the woman beside her, giving her suuport and anything that i can do...but i always mess things up...likewise i wanted to be flawless and be some1 that she can boast ard...i fail too...i breaks her heart by comitting adultry...1 night And it ruin ... nothing i do seems to work.... job interview don't work, relationship i messed up, health i messed up too, family i can't be the provider, feeling like a crybaby....hope that i am fit to pray, but as i think about it i m like a child wanting prayer to work yet cannot obey the father... totally lousy, low-moral, useless, jinx,........................................crying, hope it do some help to ease my craziness..madness... why am i so ungracious, so possesive, so rude so selfish , so narrow....just a gift..x'mas gift and I m putting it as if its gonna kill me....contridiction. I love watching movie with baby...enjoy being hug and lying in her shoulder...observing her candit look...i hate horrors and trilliers...dislike the 'frightening" feeling, will faint seeing blood...call me a coawrd, yes i m. but with her by my side, i can be as cool...funny as i say, coz when i see her laughing through the horror scene..just hidding in her armpit...or clinching hard to her arms...quitly watch her mis-match expression to the movie...laughing in a horror...havent been enjoying my fav horror movie since the last band camp...the one that almost "kick me to my grave" trip in the classroom by the "playful" door...i've not forget that ghostly encounter...I hate it..and I experience the point of being insane ... shocked twice...lost my voice for 2 days...horror movies seems so real to me, in every movie, no matter what storyline... i prefer loving feeling.

No comments: