Saturday, November 27, 2004

Reflection Period (20 Nov 2004 - 29 Nov 2004)

DAY 1 (20th Nov 2004, Saturday)

I initiated this plan, just to let both of us have some time to think it over, since there seems to be never ending conflicts that we both can't compromise. I don't know when I became such a possessive freak. Think she is getting fed up with my SMS whenever she is out to meet with that group of people. I keep thinking why can't I get to share this friendship that she is having now...its not like it used to be, we used to go and meet friends, and have fun together. But seems like this particular group has some discrete secret to share among themselves, I have no idea who they are,other then their names. I am feeling more and more inferior as the day passes; I have no self control to vent my misery, inflicting pain on myself has became a habit. Wonder why things has turn sour, is that the way it ought to be? I am hoping that its not. I can be great listener and consultant to my pals' problems, but when I am facing my own problem, I feel so lost. Finally tell myself to give it another change,admitting the fact that I want to see her and give her a big hug. On the contrary,I feel so lousy, feel like being taken for granted after last night session…anything more insensitive that I deserved to be left alone today? Just put it behind,love is to give and take isn't it? Meet her at the Wedding banquet, told her I don't feel like staying till the end, coz' I feel uneasy as the crowd is non-of our age. Gave her the bracelet I bought, and she asked me why did I buy her things… no good reason, just feel like surprising her with that blackbox. Mysterious box. Had a drink at Center Point Mac. She was looking tired, yawning all the way and requesting for the freedom that she ought to have with the group of friends… for a moment, okay, guess I am simply restricting and pressuring her, so I say "well, maybe I am…” let's catch the last train before we are too late."

DAY 2 (21st Nov 2004, Sunday)

Was quite a peaceful day, woke up really late coz' had the internet and router set up.Crazy us, chatting on MSN even tho' we're both in the same room. And chatting with our friends as well. Hmm.. been some time since we skip church services. Thought it will a good start... Then she tell me that she has planned to go for a badminton session with the group @ the Khatib stadium. I'm fine with it hope nothing happen,coz' that group of gals seems to have all possible conspiracy among themselves. Kissing other people's girlfriend, best pals liking a charming new-comer and secretly admiring each other etc, etc ... Making me feeling more insecure, put aside the fact that I never seen or know any one there.

Listening to "Imagine Me Without You" by Jaci Velasquez
Verse 1
As long as stars shine down from Heaven
And the rivers run into the sea
'Til the end of time, forever
You're the only love I'll need
Verse 2
In my life, You're all that matters
In my eyes, the only truth I see
When my hopes and dreams have shattered
You're the one that's there for me
When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You
I need You
Imagine me without You
I'd be lost and so confused
I wouldn't last a day
I'd be afraid without You there to see me through
Imagine me without You
Lord, You know it's just impossible
Because of You
It's all brand new
My life is now worth while
I can't imagine me without You
Verse 3:
When You caught me I was falling
Your love lifted me back on my feet
It was like You heard my calling
And You rushed to set me free
When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You
I need You
When I found You I was blessed
And I will never leave You
I need You
I can't imagine me without You


DAY 3 and 4 ( 22nd - 23rd Nov 2004, Monday )

Woke up in the morning, I promise to patch things together... I gave her a BIG teddy bear hug and kiss.Feeling quite alright, still controlling myself telling myself not to remain her that I am worried about the badminton, just mention a few little cranky lame scenarios that might happen at the badminton court later when they have their game...(jokingly) then off I go for my lesson. And I ask if want to meet me after my lesson, she just say "if you want to join us for dinner later, no confirm, will update me again"...Test was postpone coz' not everyone is present today, to be fair the lecturer postpone it to Wednesday, consider a blessing in disguise coz' I didn't really have the mood to study. Class ended early, I haven't got any idea where to head since she didn't inform my anything, I called her and she say she is going back to Kallang tonight , and she's now at Bishan with the group of friends loitering aimlessly. I wanted to tell her that no matter isit just walking aimlessly or just sit down and "rot" as long as she's beside me, it does matter wat the program is I'm still enjoy the moment.... think twice , I better not... promised to give her the freedom.So I took the bus home, and noticed that she didn't bring the laptop alone, which is not very her, 1 night without online @ Kallang? Impossible! So I called her and ask: "why such an impulse decision to go back Kallang tonight?" Finally, I got the answer, they are heading town to wait for some other friends to knock off from work and chit-chat in town area, and she say that its more convenient to go Kallang.. oh well, Control, control, control myself...
Then she say: " well, what's wrong huh??I can go to Yishun if you want..."
Sighz.. Its alright never mind, I'm speechless... thinking of how to settle my own dinner is more practical...instant noodle I guess, no appitite. Home alone! ya its Monday...

Waiting .. evening till dark,
I did a very unethical thing and I don't care how "M" insulted me , or tell her ...I just want to know is my Bb safe, I'm feeling so helpless ? I'm hearing sound I'm hallucinating or wat? It's morning... not a single news from her... after she hung up on me for the 2nd line at abt 12midnight ... my dear , it hurts! I think I ate too much medic...head spinning and numb, can't stand and walk and I'm feeling giddy.. I don't care ! I think she told me that she is going Kallang for the night... force myself to walk and throw myself into the cab and went to her hse... her parents were sleeping... and she isn't come home... 8am ... keep on calling... I'm afriad that she might be kipnapped or met with an accident , worried! finally got thru' her line... relieve angry and giddy ... for a moment I release my weak body and drop on the ground... blackout... and i can hear vacuum ringing in my ears.. next moment I'm in the bed when I open my eyes... and her Mom gave me a cup of hot Milo..I still can't stand up, I can feel the spinning sensation.... got to go home... I need to rest... I'm feeling nausea and twist in my stomach.. drag myself home... walk 2 steps, feeling giddy, squat down and stand up , walk 2 steps... took me long time to reach the road side.... got into the cab and I'm home...

Day 5 ( 24th Nov 2004, Wednesday)

we just say hi-and-bye at her hse, coz I need to charge my hp ...
when she reached home I went out.
I feel so depressed, so I took the whole evening to recall all that we have gone thru' I smiled,
it felt so nice recalling those little things that she did for me, but I just don't know why my tears just roll down my cheeks when the sky turn dark... couples, couple, couples everywhere I look around me. When I reach home, she is in bed toggling with her hp, coz I saw the hp lights still on in my dark room. then she got up and went to the phone and called her friend, I supposed is one of them from the grp of people. she seemed so happy and I said goodnite to her with a kiss. she continued.
Hug her when she finally got into bed, she was complainning about her bodyache, I massaged for her, and tried to be senseous, it dint work, I was shock for a while, thinking that what is wrong, she no longer feel it?? anyway, I had hugged her to sleep. and she said that tmr is all mine, she will take MC and spend the day with me.

Day 6 (25th Nov 2004 , Thursday)

She went to take MC in the morning and we planned to go sun-tanning nearby... but YSC is half day, went to YCK SC, its closed too and it started to rain. I suggested that we go for a karaoke session at Bishan.... been quite some time we spend time together... think its a great chance for me to get close to her "holiday mood"... I move closer and requested her to hugg me cz the room is extremely cold.. I feel the warmth and fall asleep for a moment, havent been sleeping well for the past few days... then I was quite affected by her hp, it keep beeping and ringing, and she put it to silent mood, yet she still reply, I look thru the messages and noticed that she deleted smses (sent messages) selectively, esp smses from these pple... I asked her why and she say she cultivated this habit from me. (me again? didn't I take back my words after we had a talk about privacy and personal space?) I thought I have already change and she is feeding me with what I said now... sighz... i say its voided, I stop that long ago..and whatever thing that she feel that is hindering our relationship I will stop doing if she didnt like, for the simple reason that I love her., and I want her to know that.

we reached home in the evening, after that 4-hour ktv session, and she was rushing out to meet her friends again.. dint she mention that the day is mine? is the day supposed to be just a 4-hr ktv session. I feel so jilted when she insisted that she is late to meet her frds alr while I talked to her. I ask whether she can bring me along, her immediate answer is "NO!" I asked her why, and she said that "just don't want to! and she just want o have her freedom"
FREEDOM! what exactly is freedom when we are in a relationship?
I am still searching for the answer.... I used to say that, but I changed, for the better of this relationship.I got so fed up that I went out too... breathe some fresh air , it didn't work for me.
I keep telling myself do not reply her, I still did, coz I don't want her to get worried. I am lost! I don't know where I'am heading to, aimlessly walking .... thinking that she will realised that I am caring for her..
recalling what she told me in the cab when we quarrel, I was tempted to end my life...
but I remember that she said no - she hate to be threatened, but I don;t have that intention to threaten her at all. Just think that I am feeling lousy at that moment.
who will understand how I feel ?

I don't want to go home so early coz it makes me think of her, the smell of her in my bed and pillow, the picture of her , her things around my room... I am self-indulgence!!!!! imagine that she is doing work in the kitchen, imagined that she tell me to go to sleep first...think I am drunk.
wonder how is she now. my pillow is soaked with tears again...

Why is this happening to me?
Did I briught it upon myself?
Is there a "limit" to love ?

questions flooded me again, but I have no answer to it.
I am still thinking of her, but I promised not to "bug" her with calls and sms.
hope that she enjoyed her night with them. I turn around to say "goodnight Bb, I love you" and I swallowed that kiss coz she is not around.

DAY 7 ( 26th Nov 2004, Friday)

I woke up and realised that the laptop is still around, and guess she will need that, so I bring it to class and rush to put the lappy in her house during my 1-hr lunch break... was quite a rush... and bought some bits for her thinking that she might be hungry after a long nite. Anyway, nobody is at home (*phew!* save the embarassment).. I realised that her bag wasn't home or anything that she brought along last night. Guess she didn't go home again. (Stop wild guessing!!!) .. sob!!

"bloated chest " (men qi) why is that so?
Is she feeling the same?
what I really want is to spend time holding my holding her hands , strolling along the beach, or resting on each other's shoulders star-glazing... guess my mind is so stubborn, even when i get to nap I dream of her screaming at me that I am a bugger...gosh!

Apparently someone hacked into my msgr to delete her contact from my list , I was shock, can't believe my own eyes, and fall into deeeper depression. I can feel my heart stop for a moment and almost fall right to the bottom. I thot its her, I want to know what happen, she replied that she didn't.

think I m so in love with this song "Imagine me without Me" - it simply speaks my mind.. listening to it over and over again , and tears roll down my cheeks naturally when I turn around and the room is emplty... cold turkey treatment on me is quite cruel :(

I can't wait till 30th Nov 2004 , 7pm to arrive!!! I really miss her alot ..
and for the past few nights when she is not ard in my bed, I waited for her call, coz thats what we will do b4 sleeping.. to have a little lovie-dovie chat on the phone and kiss gdnite...
did she divert that practise on her so-called frds already? and I don't get abit of it...

Went out to MM with them... was feeling unwell coz I drank to much at home for the past few days.. and I danced with my eyes shut coz' I hate to realise that she is not here but elsewhere with other people. stand really near the syste, music blasting into my ears..

The pain in my stomach became unbearable after I puke, and IS THAT BLood? ..
sheesh! she finally realise my existance... she fetch me home in a cab.

DAY 8 ( 27th Nov 2004, Saturday )

领悟 : 幸福是自己打造的天空
= 相信 , 坚持

She feel that group of people hurt her... and feel that they are not the type that she is looking out for in friendship.. what took her so long? when I already repeat myself to her the truth, she refuse to take it. I was hurt back then, that why I can feel how she is feeling right now....

"what u give, is what u expect in return.."
but it hurts when the world doesn't work this way all the time.
DAY 9 ( 28th Nov 2004, Sunday )
Listening to Songs by Matilda Tao
当她横刀夺爱的时候 你忘了所有的誓言 她扬起爱情胜利的旗帜 你要我选择继续爱你的方式 你曾经说要保护我 只给我温柔没挫折 可是现在你总是对我迥避 不再为我有心事而着急 人说恋爱就像放风筝 如果太计较就有悔恨 只是你们都忘了告诉我 放纵的爱 也会让天空划满伤痕 太委屈 连分手也是让我最后得到消息 不哭泣 因为我对情对爱 全都不曾亏欠你 太委屈还爱着你你却把别人拥在怀里 不能再这样下去 穿过爱的暴风雨 宁愿清醒忍痛地放弃你 也不在爱的梦中委屈自己
我把你的电话从手机里消除了 我把你的消息从话题里减少了 我把你的味道用香水喷掉了 我把你的照片用全家福挡住了 你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚 你让我的骄傲觉得很无知 你让我的朋友关心我的生活 你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由 离开我 你会不会好一点 离开你 什么事都难一点 车来了 坐上你的明天 车走了 我还站在路边 离开我 你会不会好一点 离开你 什么事都难一点 风来了 云就会少一点 你走了 我住在雨里面
DAY 10 ( 29th November 2004, Monday)
Went to swim and sun-tan @ YSC.
Learn frog style... guess I am still used to free-style, enjoying myself, wonder if she feel the same way too.. Had lunchie at the foodcourt, new stall "the Paddy" nice crumbled potatoes and caramari and fish...well, at least I'm not alone...I'm really happy..*smiles* ...but I realised that she is still feeling alittle unhappy with the things that happened, disappointment show in her eyes and the way she stares into the air, drift into deep thoughts.... I wanted to ask "how can I help?" they are people that think, speaks and behaves differently, coz' they are young....
Went to watch " Bridget Jones Diary" quite a nice show..
This is the most tender part of love, each other to forgive
Forgiveness is the healing of wounds caused by another. You choose to let go of a past wrong and no longer be hurt by it. Forgiveness is a strong move to make, like turning your shoulders sideways to walk quickly on a crowded sidewalk. It's your move.
V E R D I C T :

I LOVE YOU, Baby !
"There is always some madness in love.
But there is also always some reason in madness."

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