Walking in the Rain

Have you ever walked in a heavy rain... Its simply spandid...

the pressure of the rain hits on the body to flush away the load... completely washed out and clear your mind from other distractions and troubles... even better if the visibility is really bad... you can hardly see your own 10 fingers infront of you... The sound of the gushing rain mutes everything around you, so you can shout out your grumbles whatever you want to ease the tension and stress. after all everyone looks like Sadako in the rain... nobody recognises you ...

Too bad, as we grow up we have too many concerns to enjoy the rain... Typically, what if my bag / handphone / clothes get wet? What if the lightning strikes on me? What if I fall sick, what about work? yada-yada... the list goes on and on...

Remember the good old days when I used to walk to and fro school along khatib camp.. love it when it rain, heavier the better... me and fen will walk in the rain without umbrella
(yes, we have it, but who cares to use it, dun waste my time ..hahaha!) Don't care even if our uniform is white color, who cares... (yes I missed that nonchalant- attitude)

Rain is one good remedy to cool of frustration, better than liang-teh... cooling effect is immediate, provided not to fall sick the next day...

I watched the youngsters these days , can't wait to flaunt their branded unbrellas to their friends, hmmm... different, so different...

Why didnt it rain heavily these days? or perhaps I'm in a public transport, office, at home or somewhere that doesn't gives me an excuse to walk in the rain...

I want to be in the rain again... dancing in the rain ... wash away my mind.... a chilling "system re-format"...

Talking about rain reminds me of the song by Madonna ~ Rain

I feel it...It's coming...Rain
Feel it on my finger tips, hear it on my window pane
Your love's coming down like
Rain

What about Love?

I've almost forgotten what I was before I know about being in a relationship with someone... cheerful, frenzy and easy-going gal? maybe... nothing stops me from anything ... I worry only for my family... trying to recall... the nightmare about parents quarrelling in the middle of the night... crying in my room , praying that they will stop... having shocks when I hear screeching breaking sound from the road (my dad is really moronic on the road).. I still do get this uneasy feeling from time to time... I treasure my family... Procting my sis... remembers the time when mum took her bamboo cane and wack at my sis, I'll shelter her... I'm famous for being a "zebra" (cane marks)...

During my sec school days, I was all about studies and band... look nerdy and geeky with big plastic specs.. kind of bored . my life revolved around the school, band room, my room and northpoint..

I remember the 1st time someone holds my hand, I blushed , goosebumps surfaces and I feel my heart in my throat... Now I know that its not only the 1st time I will have this feeling... its so sweet to see couples holding hands... its not anything intimate but its a gesture of love and belonging... not to mention kissing and hugging... simply makes melts my heart.

I recon that I am someone that is willing to sacrifies for someone I love ... I put in 100% effort to make sure that my partner is happy .. even though it might be very foolish to others.. my expectation is kinna high in terms of emotional needs... never enough of TLC .. till the relationship walks into a monotone, romance dissapears totally .. I'll still be in the mood for love.. WAKE UP, you are not in fairtale or romance novel.. I am still trying to figure out how to balance. I am a sucker in love.

Lets talk about xeS... is that an issue in a relationship? Yes when the relationship just started, both are flaming with passion.. you'll even have enough of it.. but when one or both parties got pre-occupied by other things in life , they denied that its an issue at all... Have never talked about it to friends about private issue like this to friends coz' m afraid it will sound offensive. To me I feel not attractive anymore when I get rejected... get angry at times , but I try to control my foul mood... Find alternative to fulfill myself, but its not the same ... it lacks the passion, action and pleasure ...

In summary, I've been extremely selfless when I am in a relationship... Now I want to know myself.. its completely ironic... I've loss balance... I know if I continue to be like this I will fall and hurt badly... "love changes everything...."... yes it does, for the better or worse... I wonder*

What am I suppose to do ?

When did I started being violent to myself? self-abuser (can't stop blaming myself for not being able to make my partner happy).... I hate myself!!!
feel heart broken or feeling depressed? can't breath and lonely?

I am afraid that people will get sick and tired of my sukiness... guess I'm born a worrier... thinking too much of consequences to others ..

What about Love? I thought I am good listener to those who are in bad relationship, gives good advise to friends... come to realised that I don't know what is Love when I comes to myself.

Dialogue on Death

Lonely afternoon in town, having rose buds tea and watching admiring the people that passby the cafe... most of the people seems rushing aimlessly. Why are we always racing against time? work hard so that we earn money to fulfill the material needs? does anyone ever get enough at all? ... in a daze..

The ladies at the next table were chatting about suide and discussing what is the painless way to die... some say die inhaling carbon monoxide , pills and jumping down from a building... yada-yada... and they were laughing over it... Why would they even laugh about it? painless way? or isit selfish to say that its painless? what about the people that loves you? the pain that death brings upon them ? bunch of boliaoz tai-taiz...

Then they talk about the passe celebraties' death - leslie chung and anita mui... can't even get the fact right... sighz... can they just stop boasting about the twisted facts that they gathered from someone else? its kinna noise pollutant in a fine afternoon...