Wednesday, April 26, 2006

What about Love?

I've almost forgotten what I was before I know about being in a relationship with someone... cheerful, frenzy and easy-going gal? maybe... nothing stops me from anything ... I worry only for my family... trying to recall... the nightmare about parents quarrelling in the middle of the night... crying in my room , praying that they will stop... having shocks when I hear screeching breaking sound from the road (my dad is really moronic on the road).. I still do get this uneasy feeling from time to time... I treasure my family... Procting my sis... remembers the time when mum took her bamboo cane and wack at my sis, I'll shelter her... I'm famous for being a "zebra" (cane marks)...

During my sec school days, I was all about studies and band... look nerdy and geeky with big plastic specs.. kind of bored . my life revolved around the school, band room, my room and northpoint..

I remember the 1st time someone holds my hand, I blushed , goosebumps surfaces and I feel my heart in my throat... Now I know that its not only the 1st time I will have this feeling... its so sweet to see couples holding hands... its not anything intimate but its a gesture of love and belonging... not to mention kissing and hugging... simply makes melts my heart.

I recon that I am someone that is willing to sacrifies for someone I love ... I put in 100% effort to make sure that my partner is happy .. even though it might be very foolish to others.. my expectation is kinna high in terms of emotional needs... never enough of TLC .. till the relationship walks into a monotone, romance dissapears totally .. I'll still be in the mood for love.. WAKE UP, you are not in fairtale or romance novel.. I am still trying to figure out how to balance. I am a sucker in love.

Lets talk about xeS... is that an issue in a relationship? Yes when the relationship just started, both are flaming with passion.. you'll even have enough of it.. but when one or both parties got pre-occupied by other things in life , they denied that its an issue at all... Have never talked about it to friends about private issue like this to friends coz' m afraid it will sound offensive. To me I feel not attractive anymore when I get rejected... get angry at times , but I try to control my foul mood... Find alternative to fulfill myself, but its not the same ... it lacks the passion, action and pleasure ...

In summary, I've been extremely selfless when I am in a relationship... Now I want to know myself.. its completely ironic... I've loss balance... I know if I continue to be like this I will fall and hurt badly... "love changes everything...."... yes it does, for the better or worse... I wonder*

What am I suppose to do ?

When did I started being violent to myself? self-abuser (can't stop blaming myself for not being able to make my partner happy).... I hate myself!!!
feel heart broken or feeling depressed? can't breath and lonely?

I am afraid that people will get sick and tired of my sukiness... guess I'm born a worrier... thinking too much of consequences to others ..

What about Love? I thought I am good listener to those who are in bad relationship, gives good advise to friends... come to realised that I don't know what is Love when I comes to myself.

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