Thursday, June 29, 2006

"26/1/02" is an episode of my life

It's the end of the 4 years 5mths 2 days.
our relationship has ceased ...
guess letting her have what she desired
is the last thing I could do for her
I appreciated these times together &
for the happiness we've had when things still goes alright.

Its nice to have part of her in my life, in my memory.

differences in our orientation in life;
My life need not be surround with many friends
but to have someone who will love me, as I to her

I am human with feelings that need to be reciprocated,
not a person made of steel...

I hope that she will be happy in the way she is now...


Songs that I can related to right now...


你让我的懂事变成一种幼稚
你让我的骄傲觉得很无知
你让我的朋友关心我的生活
你让我的软弱陪伴你的自由
离开我你会不会好一点
离开你什么事都难一点

extracted from "离开我"

---------------------------

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开
听着别人的对白也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱(freedom)我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概

不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最后的疼爱是手放开
不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋

最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪

我把收音机打开
听着别人的失败啃咽的声音
仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开
我无法随便走开感情中专心的人容易被伤害

extracted from "手放开"

Shattered

many truth surfaces today ...

  1. the things that was brought from KL she didnt really give.
  2. wanted to meet her for birthday , but was told that she will be busy
  3. went to her house.. she called me three times just to tell me to leave her house and confirm that I left
  4. L word which ( she don't like to watch when i beg her to watch with me)... she bought the whole set of the p version..
  5. the day when she say on the way to harbourfront is actually with AB, not at all to harbourfront but on the cab to meet someone
  6. she don't like soccer match, she said its a lame game, with 2 teams of man chasing a ball -- but she enjoy watching it with frds so much that she go off from work on the dot
  7. she brought me flowers tell me that we shall retain this relationship, and she walks away, leaving me lonely
  8. she doesn't take my call when she ask me to call her at night
  9. I don't understand her blog entries already because it seems so abstract. "naturale?"
  10. I fear that what goes around, comes around... will I be like "BBLurve"? be kept in the dark about a new relationship she is in , but out in on-hold mode for the bad news?

I am really shattered

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Revival of the Home Economics Session

Its always so fun to perform Le Chef in the kitchen , whipping up some dishes that can be found anywhere @ hawker centres.. Its just different, coz during the process of marketing, thinking of what to cook , cutting and the actual cooking, there is so much interactions and sharing great inspirations... I think this is the most truthful and sincere side of a person I get to see.. furthermore, the sense of satisfaction on the end product , simply make the food taste so much nicer then the commercial ones... and the dishes from le chef's kitchen are as follow:

25th June (Dinner)

  1. sour & spicy soup
    *carrot
    *apple (improvised)
    *onion
    *mushroom
  2. steamed rice
    *rice (improvised - boil in pot over the stove)
  3. bitter gourd with egg

26th June (Brekky/Lunch)

  1. Chee Chong Fun
    * steamed in saucer pan
  2. Popiah
    * eggs
    * shredded carrot
    * shredded turnip
    - No shredder, use the peeler to shred the carrot and turnip
    problem solving another acheivement huh.. *winks*
    * onion (improvised)
    * bread crumb (substitute for peanuts)
    *chee chong fun sauce (substitute for popiah sweet sauce)
  3. What's in the pot now?
    Bo Bo Cha Cha * yummy*
    * yam
    - ouch ! cutting the yam makes my hands itch.. *sobs*
    * sweet potato
    * sago
    * coconut milk
    * pandan leaves
    * rock sugar

That's a fun time in the kitchen after sorting out the notes and labelling the text for tmr's test.
yes, tmr is Child Dev test , not home economics alright...*bleahz*

Thursday, June 22, 2006

My Bazi (Birthdate/time) Reading

http://www.adestiny.com/bazi_report/sample

Personality and Character
Your life will be full of activity and exuberance and you like to try everything at least once. You are generous, talented, versatile and outgoing. You hate to be idle and it can create a malaise in your active soul. You are gregarious and love company and forever inviting friends to your place for meals and festivities. You will not afraid to try out things and adversity will bring the best out of you. You need an outlet for affection in order to bring stability.

A subtly conceited person, you care about your look and are quite particular wearing the right clothes for a function. As a resilient person you never allow trouble to cripple or affect you permanently because you can pick yourself up and start all over again.

You have a grandeur, strong and impressive appearance. You like status quo and always like to be admired and try to upkeep such image dearly. As a result of such premise, it is difficult for you to sustain such image. A determined and firm person you are also stubborn once you set your mind on something. You are quite prepared to take risks and can get jealous easily.

Romance and Compatibilities
You need an outlet for affection. Your tendency towards frankness and willingness to believe others make your lover take advantage of you.

You are most compatible to people of Horoscope
Leo (24 Jul - 23 Aug) / Sagittarius (23 Nov - 22 Dec)
and born in Year of
Snake / Ox

You are the aggressive rather than passive type and you will go after a man if you find him interesting. You will let the man know if you find him crude, outrageous or intolerable.

Profession
As you know how to do almost everything, it is difficult to make a right choice. You are considered multitalented and are good at any job if you can focus on the right one. You cannot sit still for a minute and are very versatile and nobody can doubt your ability.

You are not afraid to start in a low position and work hard to achieve your goal. Due to your determination and hard work it is very likely you will reach a high position, as you get older. Whatever fields you have chosen you are likely to end up in a front-man position in due course.

You are suited for working in the civil service and if you are in the private sector you will work in the management of an organization or in the field of creativity. Your ambition is high and you like to do big things

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Why did I cry when I ought to laugh?

not even a smile on my face, coz I don't feel that its sincere at all even if I hang a smile on my face.... She drop by my house to hand the things she bought for my sis, parents and some food for me ( a zippo lighter from the 2 friends - Burberry print) from KL... and show me the picture and video taken during the trip... they were having fun time , as seen in the videos... but I wanted to stop browsing ...coz I feel so envy.

She cannot stay .... she wanted to go home ...
coz she got to work tomorrow.. who doesn't have to work?

That's what is bothering me... can't you read my face, emotion and hints?

I am not giving any personal space to her...
I don't know why I just can't seems to make it.
Possessive? Unreasonable?

I fear my friends will juz get sick and tired of all these shit ...
I'm so sorry ...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Did the sky cry?

Didn't sleep well the previous night... wake up in the morning feeling dull, so reluctant to move. Sighz..life got to go on, moreover there's a test today better drag myself outta bed. After brushing up, it started to rain, the rain that I've been waiting for, the rain that makes me feel nostalgic. I was just telling myself to recollect my emotion and get going...somehow I relate it as the sky is tearing, not very logical though, just base on my intuition...

I wonder why ? I look at the umbrella... oh, so many of them, screaming and waving at me, I just stare blankly at them and Im just thinking "why are you here?" thought I can just have some excuse to be with the rain, my antidote for everything that's weighing me down - right there at my doorstep, yet seems so far - coz' I've got a lesson to attend... that's very cruel *sob*

Yes, I am really late, by the time I walk down the stairs , its already 9am... 30 mins to Cecil from where I am now? No way if I take the bus and transfer MRT... so I took a cab and its a bomb, 20 bucks ... that's the 2nd attack for the day.

Not so bad , I'm finally in class ... glad I'm still in control, would have just gone into screensaver mode , I survived until the test....thanks to Jynx and Jyc, one keep me company in class and the other over the phone..I am so blessed with this two kakis around.. *cheer me up*

When was the last time I smell the "exam air"? quite some time ago I guess... 2 hours and 15mins, I managed to scribble on 5 pieces of foolscap for total of 5 questions... *phew* what a relief when I stepped out of the classroom... praying hard that I do well...

I still miss the rain... when are you coming back to play with me?

Monday, June 19, 2006

Apart Or a Part ?

Got an sms from Bb from KL this morning... she told me that she dint sleep the whole night , weird ..but lets listen to what she say. T is in depression ...and dun want the holiday to end so soon... so Bb and AB stayed awake to accompany..well, that is what friends are for ...
(What about me? smsed her 2 times in the middle of the night , still waiting for her call that she promised that afternoon... thinking of reasons for her that batt is flat and worried that something happen to her)

... slept only 2 hours and went for lesson as usual in the morning...
She replied while I was in the train..."sorry.....dint manage to get coach...fully booked" ...(Monday ? how come u only get 1-way ? that's what comes to my mind...)

Afternoon, got another msg...
"can u help me to fetch me mum to L's house? luggage and Passport already at MC...extending my stay @ KL.. " (linkage to fully booked... - arranged? 2nd thing that comes to my mind)

Then comes the next msg .. " will see if there is flight back to sg..." I quickly reply..."3 person there = 3 air tickets... just becoz u missed the coach?? total cost ... I rather extend the hotel 1 night ...at least its divided by 3 person lor...+ 3 coach tickets . Total it will cost less than 3 air tickets" (having a tea break after a long day..brain dead, no thoughts.... isn't it just logical?)

Lect decided to end the class early ... only 3.45pm??? oh no... L said that she will be home only around 8pm.. and I dint bring Bb's hse keys... Took the train and loiter @ bugis junction until 6pm.. then called MC to inform them so that they can prepare the medicine for Bb's mum.. shocked! they said that they were not informed by the patient's daughter so I can't just get her out as and when I like... sighz... make Bb call them personally and make my way to MC... 6.30pm...chased out coz the gate is closing , nurses need to rest ... got no choice but wheel her to Mac to munch on something since I dint bring the hse keys...

Call Bb's hse to try my luck.. her dad is at home.. so I asked him not to go out I am coming to rest ... wheeled her from Mac to hse... not quite long , yet a tedious task.. she complain about the long wait ...getting impatient... Sorry aunty I have no idea we have to float around like this either...

reached her hse and she sat at the sofa to watch tv... 1 hr later Bb sms me say we can take a cab to L's hse already... followed as instructed... as we were about to reach the destination, I gave L a call, she said that they are not home yet "dint I say I will call u? nvm we will be home u hold on awhile.." sighz..

Mission accomplished... but I am so tired... in the cab ... as I was trying to nap, suddenly remember that I havent study for the class test !!!! its tmr ... but I am already so dead...

Apart or a Part? .... love me...

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Let's try ...

A card that speaks my heart ....
expensive? yes, it is when I've hardly got enough for myself...
(and? I bought it - for someone special)

How about this...
Let's rewind to the time before our love story got so complicated.
Or better yet, we could just fast-forward past it.
Let's rewrite the script so that we take extra-special care with each other's heart and feelings.
Let's minimize the drama as much as possible and add in a few extra love senes just to make sure the relationship is headed for a happy ending -
where we're wrapped in deep embrace, whishering "I'm sorrys" and "I love yous" in between tender kisses and long looks of love....
I hate it when there's tension between us and we just seem to tune out or turn each other off...
Let's try to get over this.
Let's start replaying the part that really matter-
the love that brought us together in the first place

Dedicated to you, my baby.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Living a Hermit's life

Guess it will be a lengthy post... haven't been posting lately - busy? kind of .. more of denial... I just don't feel like reminding myself how I feel and think of what to do. Just follow instructions and get those concrete stuffs done (going for lect, assignments, planning for studies..etc) sounds really bored, yes it is ..doing this to numb my heart and brain... so that I can sleep at night without any wild imaginative thoughts.

Feeling lonely, I can explain why. Bb stayed over my place for the last 2 weeks except for the weekend and certain days that she have to go back for meetings. Her daily activities during her stay is basically very self occupied... chatting on mIRC, MSN , reading forum, watch tv, sleep, sms friends, talk on the phone with her friends.... so I just have to keep myself occupied with things as well... that is what I was told to do (by many people, including Bb)... I feel like singing: "Lonely, I am nobody~ on my own.."

Typing whatever that comes to my mind, all these events are not so much in order..indeed very messed up , just like me.

Remember I had curry fish head at BeautyWorld with my family (Bb didn't want to go, she stayed at home glued to her lappy...sighz. ) Its delicious..yummy and best of all it a family gathering. A very simple dinner but its extraordinary just dinning with my skinny Daddy, naggy Mummy and chatty Sister...one missing--> my lovely Bb :(

Started my ECE course .. got to know 2 very special people (J&J)... we click so well that I feel so lucky to have them at this point of my life... to pull me out of the pit ... we just talk and talk and talk.. anything under the sun, yes they are somehow my therapist, listening and yaking non-stop....

Class ended early (don't remember the date), aimlessly, just took the train and drop at Bugis, heard from Bb that she is meeting her new friends, so I called her to try my luck ig I could tag along with them , no harm knowing more people.. but I am too tired to move...so meet at CAN Cafe... the 2 friends (T and AB) : the gal (B) came in tshirt and shorts and cap. very chatty and bubbly ... I am scared, no faith with myself ..insecurity hits me hard, but I still socialize , I know how to behave, just chill.. and enjoy the food, ordered so much. They were talking about going KL together...and Bb said I can go shopping with T till we drop...okay was kind of wondering .."what about you and B?" but didn't ask lah .. divert the topic to shopping in KL, and getting excited yadah, yadah.... but all just a false hope, when we reach home, Bb prompted me not to go KL with them, she wanted to go for a gateaway with her friends only. how am I suppose to react? *blank*... then why include me when her friends are around? next day she confirmed with her friends and tell them that I am not free want to join for the trip, and ask if they have other friends who wants to join them.... I am crying in my heart.

--to be continued --

Tuesday, June 6, 2006

What should I do next ?

Early Childhood Studies or Psychology? Can I do both? How I am lost again...

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Turmoil of Life

Too many things happen in such a short while.. problems with relationship, financial, studies..etc.. Just waiting for the moment that my body breakdown. Finally on 29th May 2006 Monday... down with a high fever and asthma.. bad cough..everything that could have bring me to grave. I went to class and sat in for the 1st half of PP101, lect noticed that I'm pale like a sheet so she asked me to go home.. trying to balance myself , took a cab to the clinic, as usual long queue. sighz..poorer by $50. been almost 1 week and I'm still not getting any better.

Piles of notes and assignments awaiting for me... please get well soon! I can't tell the difference between taste of medicine and life...all bitter!

I will remain zombie until end of my course... too stress to think of anything else at this point.