Friday, June 16, 2006

Living a Hermit's life

Guess it will be a lengthy post... haven't been posting lately - busy? kind of .. more of denial... I just don't feel like reminding myself how I feel and think of what to do. Just follow instructions and get those concrete stuffs done (going for lect, assignments, planning for studies..etc) sounds really bored, yes it is ..doing this to numb my heart and brain... so that I can sleep at night without any wild imaginative thoughts.

Feeling lonely, I can explain why. Bb stayed over my place for the last 2 weeks except for the weekend and certain days that she have to go back for meetings. Her daily activities during her stay is basically very self occupied... chatting on mIRC, MSN , reading forum, watch tv, sleep, sms friends, talk on the phone with her friends.... so I just have to keep myself occupied with things as well... that is what I was told to do (by many people, including Bb)... I feel like singing: "Lonely, I am nobody~ on my own.."

Typing whatever that comes to my mind, all these events are not so much in order..indeed very messed up , just like me.

Remember I had curry fish head at BeautyWorld with my family (Bb didn't want to go, she stayed at home glued to her lappy...sighz. ) Its delicious..yummy and best of all it a family gathering. A very simple dinner but its extraordinary just dinning with my skinny Daddy, naggy Mummy and chatty Sister...one missing--> my lovely Bb :(

Started my ECE course .. got to know 2 very special people (J&J)... we click so well that I feel so lucky to have them at this point of my life... to pull me out of the pit ... we just talk and talk and talk.. anything under the sun, yes they are somehow my therapist, listening and yaking non-stop....

Class ended early (don't remember the date), aimlessly, just took the train and drop at Bugis, heard from Bb that she is meeting her new friends, so I called her to try my luck ig I could tag along with them , no harm knowing more people.. but I am too tired to move...so meet at CAN Cafe... the 2 friends (T and AB) : the gal (B) came in tshirt and shorts and cap. very chatty and bubbly ... I am scared, no faith with myself ..insecurity hits me hard, but I still socialize , I know how to behave, just chill.. and enjoy the food, ordered so much. They were talking about going KL together...and Bb said I can go shopping with T till we drop...okay was kind of wondering .."what about you and B?" but didn't ask lah .. divert the topic to shopping in KL, and getting excited yadah, yadah.... but all just a false hope, when we reach home, Bb prompted me not to go KL with them, she wanted to go for a gateaway with her friends only. how am I suppose to react? *blank*... then why include me when her friends are around? next day she confirmed with her friends and tell them that I am not free want to join for the trip, and ask if they have other friends who wants to join them.... I am crying in my heart.

--to be continued --

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