Saturday, April 28, 2007

Ask No More... Love is the answer

Has been asking too much questions the last few days.... sad, rejected, confused, all that are depressing. But today is a better day 28th April 2007 (Saturday). We meet for dinner and dessert (beef noodle, water chestnut-egg white paste, pomelo-mango sago) she passed me my mobile phone. After that we have no plans after dessert, requested to see my little darling pinky, she is so loveable, how can I resist cuddling and kissing her :) miss her so much.

In her car, she's driving aimless, keep asking where are we going? The air smells sweet and foul... when nature takes its course, ask no question. she'll always be in my heart, friend or partner, some things need no superficial labelling. Yes, only in time when she found a woman of her life, I will give them my blessing....

Am home, she walk me up... I walked her down...

For now, I'm looking forward my new job... sound like a very time demanding job but it's a source of income, only with that I will be able to move on with my desired life... 3 years? possible... maybe...

Some hope is lost , some appear just with a couple of days. Life is so unexpected.
thanks to my new enlightenment. *winks*

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Dream decoder..

weird drem I have the same dream that I had after breaking up with my previous ex...only thing is the characters in the dream is Baby and one of her friend... it seems so vivid that I can even feel the air and the conversation. The last time I had this dream, it came true coz now they are an item. I didn't know what to do when it haunt me again.... some people say that dreams will be the exact opposite of the reality, how I wish but I can only wait and see.

Thanks to many friends that drop by to say hi and encourage me. I will try my best to left my head up from the sandpit and be more cheerful.

As at 24 April 2007 (2.7.6 - Ticker Board stops):

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Love is the reason for breaking?

Sometimes when she looks into the mirror, she'll ask "why do love me? I'm just fat and ugly" . I do not know how to put it across to her that these feelings are intangible, you can't see it with your eyes or measure with any instruments...

These are just a few of the reasons which makes me the happiest person alive:


  • the light that shines when my heart sunk to rock bottom my shelter when storm threaten over head
  • my sun that keeps me warm when I'm far from home
  • the one I can count on to get to familiar place when I can't find my way


  • cares for me in a loving way when Im hurt and need to heal
  • pours me with loads of love when I needed
  • always know just what to say when I feel like no one cares
  • bring a smile to my face when I am sad and without my handphone
  • scold under her breath of how lousy her elders are, but when they needed a hand, she offered unconditionally
  • assures me whenever she meet up with her ex for lunch
  • looks cute when she blush as I watch her drive...
  • tasted my tiramisu although it taste like coarse coffee beans on chilled cream

You’re Beautiful…its True..

She shows me how wonderful life can be, but when she sees only fat and ugly body, I see a beauty in her eyes and a heart of gold. She says she's hot tempered and unreasonable, I think feel that is only human to have a temper, just that she is warmer than anyone else around....

When passion consumes my heart and soul, she decided things should end, too afraid to hurt me ... I’m so helpless, can’t do anything to salvage it at all… the least I can do is to let her do what she want…and be happy. To me love is a process, is a journey where a couple walk through challenges along the path. Her reason for ending this relationship makes me so puzzled.. Disqualified before it starts..

Tuesday, April 24, 2007





Monday, April 16, 2007

I'm Evicted

I'm back to north.... after an uneventful incident which I have no memory of. Was shocked by the reason supposed to be from her mum, our eyes didn't mean...she agree to it too coz' she says there is nothing she can do or say... Only regret that she is not a man, we're not married, she has no rights to do anything... she is right again.

The bottom line, I'm to conform to the eviction.

What I kept unsaid was the fact that I don't really like to stay home... it's a mess... since young my parents quarrel for anything under the sun. My father's storming voice reminds me of uncontrolled mental patient, followed by my Mum's weeps and complaints, threatens to divorce, die and leave this misery. Not the end of it, my Father will follow up with an action movie of his alcohol overdosed violence, his speciality is the hit the wall with bare hands and head, throwing and trashing things and staring at everybody with his fiery eyes.

As the elder sister I feel helpless, always crying in my room, taking a different approach, my sister grow stronger and tomboyish to counter that emotional nonsense from the adults.

No doubt that they work and slog to provide for the family, and is too tired and busy to keep the house clean... but putting the soiled clothings, cutlery etc at proper places is very much appreciated. Nobody seems to care, over the years, I tried to do my best to help mum in the chores, but it seems like both of us get tired of it... I want to get out of this mess.... can someone take me and flee?

I worry for my sister, my mum and my father.... will they get out of control in a fight an kill each other? mindless thoughts became a real one day when my father took out a chopper, after seeing my sister's teacher to discuss about her wrong doings in school... he charged at her while I tried to unlock the gate with my trembling hands....

Mad house!!

but what can I do? nobody seems to know and is interested to know how I feel. silence is just to conserve my energy to deal with the next turmoil.

Was missing for 2 days, can't agree much then what they said about being possesed or voodoed, was brought to pray and done some religious chanting etc.

Unknowingly labelled "dirty", and evicted by her mum from her house. Am I just extra, stranger, evil-related...etc?
She can't do her mum and my parents we are "friends" - My heart dropped. When will we be couple and not "friends" anymore? take me and run!

Was nearly a "nobody" in her life, just few months ago when we had a talk. she was planning to go on a vacation with her friends at the same time.... I hope she'll not have lonely journey again....
When I was told about her holidays with her friends, an initial feeling for abandon strike me.... anyway it can't be help...will be fine soon.